Soldiers of a Wasteland
by IzumiIncarnate
Summary: After Roy left Ishvar, the demons of his past continued to haunt him. Can anything erase the vivid memories of his sins?


AN: This is the second version to a fic I wrote a long long time ago. This fic is based off the FMA manga, not the anime. Everything in italics are actual quotes from the manga, most of them from Kimbly in the 15th manga book. For those that do not know the manga, it may be a little confusing, but you should get the gist, I guess the biggest difference is the spelling of "Ishbal" to "Ishvar." Anyway, I hope you enjoy and please read and review!!

Soldiers of the Wasteland

Every time I close my eyes Ishvar flashes before me. I can still smell the clotting blood, the rotting bodies, and the thick smoke that surrounded me as I set fire to everything. I can still feel the uneven sand beneath my feet, the desert heat as it wrapped itself around me, and the feel of my gloved hands. I can still hear the screams of children and adults, on both our side and the enemies, but the most deafening sound I hear is the snap of my fingers.

Ishvar haunts me, and it always will. I am a scientific man, I don't let my superstitions dictate my actions, and yet I am afraid to sleep for fear of the ghosts of the Ishvarlans I killed. Their faces appear vividly in my mind, and I swear I can smell the smoke once more as a thousand horrible memories flash before me.

"_Old man, you're all that's left. Do you have any last words?"_

"_I will never forgive you."_

…I will never forgive you… I will never forgive myself. How could I? I became a monster while I was there, cold and calculating. I killed many men, women… and children. Why did it have to be the children?

I guess in some regards I was lucky, unlike many of the other alchemists and soldiers, I didn't have to feel or even watch most of my victims die.

"_I like guns. Because unlike swords or knives, you don't have to feel your victim die."_

I'll never forget the dead look in Riza's eyes as she told me that on the battlefield. I understand that I was fortunate in avoiding having to see my victims. Luckily I only dealt with the after effect of my attacks, and the closest I got to the dead was the feel of the fat between my lips.

"_Don't avert your eyes from death. Look straight ahead. Look squarely at the people you are killing. And don't forget them. Never forget them, because they won't forget you."_

There comes a time in everyone's life where they must choose to fight or surrender. I sometimes wonder if I did the right thing, staying in that battle, or should I have just done what Armstrong did and disobey orders? No. That would have been no use, the Ishvarlans were chained to their fate, at least I could protect the lives of some of my men.

"_To us, you are a hero, sir."_

A hero? I am no hero. No one from that desert could be called a hero. Still it's only by that idea that I have been able to justify my continued existence. How could humankind commit these monstrosities?

"_You don't like your job, do you? It's written all over your face."_

"_It's true. I don't enjoy killing."_

"_Really? When you drop an enemy can you tell me in all honesty that you don't indulge in the satisfaction and pride of a job well done, Miss Sharp-shooter? From my perspective you lot are much harder to understand. Always looking for someway to rationalize your role on the battlefield."_

I hated that man, Kimblee. I always did and continue to now. But in a way, I respect him. I could tell that he faced no inner turmoil from his kills and yet he didn't avoid looking at their faces, and seeing his victims before mercilessly killing them… I would never want to be like that man, but I was jealous that he had found inner peace, while I couldn't. I wanted nothing more then to leave that rotten field, and yet I found myself inexplicably bound to the military's wishes.

"_How could we have fallen this low?"_

"'_Why?' Because that's the duty of a state alchemist. Why are soldiers, who should be protecting the populous, killing them instead? Because those were the orders we were given."_

I hated that once more, Kimblee was right. I wanted to escape, and yet I found myself unable to go against orders.

After Ishvar, we were sent back home like nothing had happened, but while others around me celebrated, I felt that I had no right to be happy. How could I be happy from the death of the entire Ishvarlan race? I vowed then and there that I would rise above the rest, I would lead the military, and I would protect our citizens from ever having to become accustomed to the sight of dead bodies. Never again would the screams of children be heard for miles followed by the deafening explosion.

_"We soldiers should be the only one with blood on our hands. No one else should have to go through what we did at Ishvar."_

…But that is easier said then done. My life after Ishvar was empty. I couldn't concentrate on anything. I was jumpy and any sudden noise had me snapping. On more then one occasion I ended up setting fire to my desk or burning an intern. I was distant even from my most loyal comrades and friends. I wasn't the only one to suffer. Riza also suffered. She was jumpy and would go nights without sleeping, and holding guns in people's faces.

"_For me, the war isn't over yet. No… it will never be over as long as I live… As much as I regret what's happened, I can't escape the fact that it was my choices that brought me to this position. I'm a killer, and no amount of denial or repentance can absolve me of that."_

At first Hughes helped me get past the guilt, but shortly after we returned he and Gracia married and he became absorbed in his husbandly duties. Every day at work I put on an act for my co-workers, I did my best to be charismatic and passionate when inside I began to feel dead. Luckily since I am a naturally loud person, I could usually drink a few beers before reporting to work, or at least get a couple shots of vodka in.

"_I will never forgive you."_

Those words could wake me from my sleep screaming. I panted for breath covered in a cold sweat. I looked around my darkened room, nobody was there.

I was alone.

And I didn't know if that was a good thing or not.

I found it interesting and ironic that after Ishvar I gained valuable allies and I was reunited with two of my old friends, and yet it still felt like I was more alone then ever before.

I went through my daily duties like a zombie, doing as little work as possible. A deadly combination of my guilt, natural procrastination and new affinity with alcohol made it nearly impossible for me to accomplish anything. It was looking like I would remain a lieutenant colonel for the rest of my life, if I wasn't dishonorably discharged.

I was put in charge of recruiting new alchemists, but I couldn't get myself to do the job. How could I bring forth a new generation of military dogs after I had seen the brutality of the rabid ones as Ishvar? I made Hawkeye and Falman do the dirty research for me, and I would make the visit for recruits. One name kept popping up, Elric.

With a heavy heart and the burden of my past pushing down on me, I reluctantly took the train to Resembool. I had been through the town once before, before I sold my soul to the military, before I let them put me on a leash, before I loyally took lives at Ishvar.

When I walked into the Elric's house and the first thing I saw was all that blood.

"_I will never forgive you."_

When I stormed into the Rockbell's house, I saw a kid in a wheelchair, and a suit of armor behind him. Filled with rage I took the kid by the collar. "What the hell did you do?! What did you create!"

For the first time, I looked into Edward Elric's eyes. They were dead, not the eyes of a murderer like mine, but of one that has been forever changed, one that has seen the worst of humankind.

I knew those eyes.

I had seen them before at Ishvar.

I had seen them on the faces of the children who had lost everything.

Of the children that stood their crying as I raised my gloved finger.

"_And don't forget them. Never forget them, because they won't forget you."_

I don't know what inspired me to sit down and talk to Edward, to try and encourage him to join the military. I saw that dead look in his eyes and I acted instinctively. I didn't think a kid like him should have those eyes.

I didn't think a kid his age should have to witness the cruelty of this world.

That kind of punishment should only be for those of us that have truly sinned.

Those of us that could destroy an entire race of people.

For the first time since Ishvar I felt emotion, real emotion and passion build up in me. I slowly changed and a glimmer of my old self came out once more. As Edward's amber eyes began to burn with passion once more, I found that my soul too was reviving.

After that I became more ambitious. I rose up another rank in a year, and I was getting things accomplished once more. For the first time since surrounding myself in the death of Ishvar, I felt alive. With Edward joining the military, and Hughes and Hawkeye at my side, I knew that I could accomplish my goal. I felt unstoppable.

But then everything changed.

Everything came flooding back.

Everything came flooding back the instant I saw those red eyes looking at me defiantly.

Scar.

"_I will never forgive you." _

As I looked into those eyes filled with nothing but pure hatred, I could no longer hide behind my carefully structured wall of denial. I was forced to see the cold, hard reality.

"_And don't forget them. Never forget them, because they won't forget you."_

I had heard over the years that some Ishvarlans had been able to escape, but as long as I didn't have to see them, as long as I could avoid those blood-colored eyes, I was fine. I knew in my heart that if Scar were to kill me, then it would be nothing more then justice. We all fought for different reasons in that god-forsaken desert. All of us had a reason to continue fighting, mine was that I was a dog of the military, a choke-collar around my neck as my master ordered for me to fight. I was an attack dog, it was my duty to protect, and I was going to do just that goddammit, one way or another.

"_Hughes, why do you fight?"_

"_It's simple: I don't want to die."_

Shortly after, my world was turned upside down. Hughes… was dead. I looked into the telephone booth in disbelief. How could this be my best friend lying before me. The cold and emotionless body lacked that light that had always glowed in him. I knelt down next to the body and picked up his picture of his family. I felt as though someone was strangling me as my heart wrenched. I couldn't look at him any more. This wasn't Hughes.

Hughes was dead.

I was pathetic. Not only had I committed these horrible crimes, but I couldn't even save the life of my best friend.

"_Don't be so hard on yourself, Roy ,one man can only do so much. Anyway, on the battlefield we're all just garbage. Everyone is expendable."_

"How can I not be hard on myself? You were never supposed to be expendable, Hughes," I thought as I looked at the tombstone standing in front of me. I never thought that I would see my best friend's coffin lowered in the ground, or to hear his daughter crying as they covered it in dirt. I had always assumed that between the two of us, I was the more reckless one and more likely to end up dead. It was only fair, he had a wife and a daughter, I had a couple of beers and a chip on my shoulder. How could someone so full of life die so young? Why was the world so cruel?

I thought about Fullmetal, and how I had sold his soul to the military. I wanted to light a fire in those hollow eyes of his, but now I was concerned that it could be taken away. Somehow though, he managed to blow past the ugliness of humanity and still see the goodness in humankind. He had to carry the burden of Shou Tucker, Scar, Cornello, the homunculi, and all sorts of hideous scenarios and people, and yet unlike me, he did not falter.

Unlike me, both he and Al were able to go on.

In their eyes, the sins they had committed were just as bad as mine. They had to live with the consequences of their actions, just like we all do, and yet they didn't crack under the pressure. Unlike me though, they were reluctant to take a life. While in most places it's a good thing that a 15 year-old boy doesn't want to kill, he was in the military, and at any moment he might be used as a weapon.

"_The moment you put on this uniform out of your own free will, you knew something like this could be expected of you. If you don't like it, you shouldn't have put it on in the first place. Why do you act as though you're the victims when this was the path you chose, free of coercion. If you're going to pity yourselves then don't kill anyone in the first place. Don't avert your eyes from death."_

How could I have subjected Fullmetal to this kind of life? How could I make a child live like this? I guess it stemmed from my need to make the kid feel something. I know I'm not the most sensitive guy. I know that I'm supportive in odd ways.

"_You can choose to live the rest of your life as a self-pitying cripple with a suit of armor for a brother, or you can make a real contribution to alchemy by allying yourself to the military… and find a way to change back!"_

It was with those harsh words that I gave Fullmetal his fire. So why am I now like Prometheus? Why do I suffer daily from guilt and flashbacks as punishment for giving a cripple a reason to live?

I guess it's because life isn't fair. If there was one thing I learned from Ishvar it's that even God will forsake you. If he hadn't, I wouldn't have had to watch ally after ally fall before my eyes. First Havoc, stabbed in the spine to the point of no recovery. I almost watched Riza be murdered by Lust.

Lust brought forth so many memories. The stickiness of the fat on my lips. The crackle of flames and piercing screams. I was furious that she had hurt Havoc, and then when she went for Riza it was too much. I had to take her down. I killed her over and over again, my snaps tapping out the beat of my violence. At the end I looked her straight in the eyes and even listened to her last words before she disintegrated.

"_And don't forget them. Never forget them, because they won't forget you."_

Gluttony almost killed me a little after that. I needed to leave and get as far away as possible, and I wanted to bring Fullmetal, Al and Lin with me. They were kids for Christ's sake, I couldn't just leave them there by themselves.

"_As for us, we still need to get some information from that Gluttony thing. We'll take care of him. The fact that we're kids is irrelevant. We're the ones that came up with this plan. It's up to us to clean up our own mess."_

How was it that these children were able mature so quickly? When did Ed stop being a kid and turn into a man? Somewhere along the line he changed and he lost his self-pity and immersed himself in the life of alchemy, taking in every little thing he could. In the process he matured and had gained a lot of empathy for others.

"_Alchemists are creatures who must search for truth as long as they live. When alchemists cease to think, they die."_

They had learned to take responsibility for their actions, something that most adults have difficulty with. It was that night that I knew that as long as Fullmetal was fighting at my side, we stood a decent chance of winning. A small army of friends, comrades and former accomplices were making up a small but efficient army, and I was at the top. No. We were at the top. I had to accept that Fullmetal and I were equals, he wasn't my subordinate.

Then my trustworthy allies were sent in different directions, no longer able to support me in my goal.

"_You'll make a lot of enemies if you join military command at your age… Make sure you have as many people around you as possible that understand and support you."_

Luckily in our hour of need we were able to come up with a network to relay information to our allies and start the preparations. From Fullmetal's research and observations we were able to find the best possible plan.

Now we are preparing for war. Our small army is going against the state military and the homunculi. We are not going to let our lives be dictated by their twisted desires. Never again will I allow a war like Ishvar to happen. Never again will I submit to a corrupt authority just to gain status. I'm going to change Amstris. Me and Fullmetal.

I don't actually belong in the seat of absolute power. My sins and scars run too deep and my inner turmoil is problematic for a leader. Fullmetal can take the reigns. He can lead us to victory. Through him we will be able to change Amstris forever.

"_I will never forgive you."_

… I know I cannot be forgiven. I know that no matter what acts of charity I do, it will not be enough to atone for my sins.

I will not be forgiven.

I will not forget those whose lives I have taken.

I will not try to forget Ishvar as I once did.

I will learn from the lessons I learned in that desert and apply them in real life.

I will take responsibility for my actions.

I will not sell anyone's soul to the military.

I am my own man.

And I will change this country.

Me and Fullmetal will change this country into something great.

We will not submit to the will of those who are stronger then us.

We will make a stand.

We will fight.

And God hoping we will win.

I cannot atone for my sins.

I cannot change the past.

I can only change the future.

Fullmetal controls the future.

I hope you guys enjoyed it. Please tell me what you guys thought, I would love to hear from you!

Izumi_Incarnate


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